I’ve had a good run at maternity leave. I’ve gotten used to my baby and I’ve learned innumerable skills such as:

And just when I’ve got the hang of this whole baby thing, the calendar tells me it’s time to go back to work. Which it is. Really. The question is: Am I ready?

Mentally? Yes, I’m ready. But in the long afternoon hours of motherhood, it’s possible I may not be as sharp as I once was. My husband has tried to ready me for the tidal wave that’ll hit me on my return to the workplace. As in —

“Francesca, do you know where you put X?” OR “Francesca, did you remember to do Y?” OR “Francesca, do you recall the address of Z?” And the answer is inevitably, “Um….”

It’s true, I’m a bit slow on the old uptake and I have a tendency toward forgetfulness that’s worse than ever, but I figure once I get back into the swing of things, my brain cells will rise to the occasion.

Last week they were put to the test. I did two dry runs in the office: full work days blocked with meetings and a touch of editing.

It was like the first day of school. I checked out the ladies’ rooms on three different floors. I learned to navigate the staircases flitting from floor to floor: 7, 6, 5, 4. I wandered through the sea of desks in the newsroom. I inspected the cafeteria and learned how the card system worked. I zipped down (or was it up?) to the mother’s room. I visited HR. I stopped in at the general reception on 7. I zinged up and down in the elevators. I shot back and forth from my desk to the central coffee station. I was like Eloise on her first day of work (if she had worked). Skedaddle here; Skedaddle there.

And it was all good, until (oh you knew this was coming…) I realized I had misplaced my iPhone. Whatever claims I might have made about being oh-so-ready and oh-so-on-top-of-things, well, this gave me pause.

I needed to retrace my steps. But where to begin? And which floor?

Half an hour later and empty-handed, I returned to my desk. I looked over to the reporter to my right: “You haven’t seen an iPhone have you?” Well, as a matter of fact, he had just received an email sent company-wide announcing an iPhone discovered in the ladies room on 6. The owner would need to identify the animal on the “cute little boy’s shirt.”

Well, folks, the animal was a sheep.

Tags: Maternity Leave, Work

It’s a fact: U.S. maternity leave benefits are some of the worst in the world.

I wrote about this last summer on my blog at Forbes in anticipation of my maternity leave.

In this country, mothers receive 12 weeks’ unpaid time off to care for a newborn or adopted child, with the guarantee of the same job when they return. That’s assuming they work for a company with more than 50 employees.

In fact, when you compare maternity leave benefits across 180 countries, the U.S. sits dumpily at the tail end of the list. It’s pretty pathetic.

Perhaps you already knew that Sweden is parent-friendly (it clocks in at 68 weeks of maternity leave plus paternity leave for new dads) but did you know that the U.K. gives mums 52 weeks? So do Albania and Australia. Mums in the Czech Republic can look forward to 28 weeks of leave while those on the Isle of Man enjoy 26 weeks.

In fact all of these countries (to grab a random sample) give mothers more maternity leave than the U.S. — Hungary (24 weeks), Russia (20 weeks), Cuba (18 weeks), Turkmenistan (16 weeks), Singapore (16 weeks), Cote d’Ivoire (14 weeks), Senegal (14 weeks), Togo (14 weeks), Zimbabwe (13 weeks). I could go on, but it’s just too depressing. (See the full list here, including the countries that rank lower than the U.S.)

Well, August is six weeks now (that’s the halfway point of my maternity leave) and there’s a lot I know now which I didn’t know before. For example, the idea of leaving one’s child with a caretaker at three months is enough to make even the steeliest momma weep. It’s an awful thought.

It’s no wonder so many mothers drop out of the workforce, rather than deal with the the separation and the complication and the frustration not to mention (ironically) the expense of going back to work.

It just goes to show the lower than low value this country places on motherhood and parenthood. And call me crazy, but I think it says something on the value this country places on keeping women in the workforce.

Sigh.

I’m calling for better benefits for new mothers and fathers. Who’s with me?

Back to Baby Augie.

Tags: Maternity Leave

See the pathway to paradise, above? It’s gorgeous, and I get to trot down that path with my little munchkin every day. (It’s Central Park in September, for the record.)

It’s enough to make even the most brazen mother blush. I mean, this is my job right now: Looking after a baby, doing circuits of the park, staring into my son’s eyes. Sometimes it makes me feel almost guilty.

Of course my life isn’t all paradise. There are mountains — MOUNTAINS — of laundry to scale. There is a hungry and demanding mouth that shouts to be fed. There’s the 4 a.m. wake-up call.

Still, while mum pushes her stroller, dad is busy with conference calls and meetings. And that’s where the guilt comes in.

But then — here comes the double edged sword part — all of a sudden, those conference calls and meetings sound rather intriguing. It’s the big, bad world of adults, of intellectual stimulation, of power suits and three syllable words.

And then my path to paradise feels just a bit narrower.

At which point I remind myself that this is a blessing. And I must enjoy what I have in the time that I have it. Sure the grass always looks greener, but even a 5-year-old can tell you that’s just an optical illusion.

Back to Baby Augie.

Tags: Guilt, Maternity Leave