One cute, curious, cuddly child seeks one fun, engaging, stimulating, nanny. Nanny should be an accomplished reader. Nanny should have a decent singing voice. Nanny should be willing to go for walks rain or shine. Nanny should be willing to lay on the floor under the farmyard gym. Nanny should have the organizational wherewithal to get child to various events and classes in the neighborhood. Nanny should know how to heat up milk. Nanny should definitely know how to change a diaper.

A few no-nos: No alcohol on the job; no cigarettes; definitely no drugs; no TV; no obnoxious cellphone calls; no trans-fats.

Technically, I’m sure a lot of people fit the bill…

Like, the woman whose voicemail clicked through to sultry, seductive tunes for 30 seconds which was relieved by her honeyed voice asking callers to leave their number. I’m sure August would have adored her, but for me? No thanks. Click.

Or the jolly woman who told me she already had a job, but that her (un-fun, monosyllabic) daughter was available to work right away. And wouldn’t I like to talk to her on the phone? Now? No thanks. Click.

Or the woman who called me at 9 a.m. and blew through my apartment like a whirlwind less than 30 minutes later, laughing and then, um, crying. And who didn’t know when it was time to Leave. Please. Now.

Or the lovely woman whose eyes betrayed an inner sadness and who said she could sing songs from her native land — dirges? — and who exited the apartment slump-shouldered and despairing.

Or the woman who sent me a full itemized list of her financial requirements: salary, overtime, personal days, vacations, merit raises and … bonus? (Who do you think I am, lady, Larry Page?! Good grief.)

There are the unrealistic can-do-alls — “Commute five hours a day? No problem!” There are the whiny what’s-in-it-for-mes — “So exactly how many personal and sick days do I get?” There are the whisperers — “….., …. ……. …….” There are the in-it-for-the-moneys — “I like kids. Wait. Do I?” There are the nose-turned-up-ers — “Food shopping. Hm. OK, I could do that.”

OK, so seriously how hard can it be? All I want is someone just like me, but much, much, much better. I don’t care what language you speak as long as you speak it well. I don’t care if you sing out of tune as long as you sing. I don’t care if your drawings are lousy or you’re not much of a storyteller (there are books for that).

And I think we can all agree that a desire to work with kids would help your case. Yes, that would definitely help.