Tuesday 16th November 2010
by Francesca Donner
OK, I’ve got a greedy guts on my hands.
Given that the child issued from the loins of Greedy Guts Herself (c’est moi), that may come as no surprise. But seriously this is ridiculous.
The child cries as if he has never eaten before.
The wails begin small and slow. Let’s say that’s a 2 out of 10 on the hunger scale.
After a minute, the cries elevate to a solid 4 out of 10. The mouth tips down to a frown.
Then, before you can say milk, the hunger stacks up to piercing, 10 out of 10. Blink once and it’s 11 out of 10. Then 12 out of 10.
(“Help! Help! Somebody save me!”)
We’re now at 13 out of 10.
14 out of 10.
Grab the trusty Boppy…
(“It’s been hours since I ate!”)
Unhinge the nursing bra…
(“I am deprived!”)
16 out of 10.
(“If I don’t eat in the next 10 seconds, I will never survive!!!”)
20 out of 10.
(“Help! Help! “)
Sling baby over the Boppy…
(“Kkkkkkkkkk. Kkkkkkkkkkkkk.”)
Offer baby the breast. BUT in the 2.7 minutes it’s taken to get organized, the greedy guts has worked himself up into such a state that he is simply too hungry to feed at all. One tiny fist flies through the air to punch ol’ mum again and again. The world is a mess of tears and sorrow.
Oh, but wait, is that gulping, I hear? The rhythm starts up and great big loud swallows that makes starvation sound moderate compared to what he’s been through. Glug, glug, glug, gulp, swallow, glug, glug, glug, gulp, swallow, glug, glug, glug…
We’re just fine now.
To try and avoid these types of antics, we’ve enforced a new feeding schedule:
6.30 a.m. (half feed)
7 a.m. (other half)
9.30
12 noon
2.30 p.m.
5.30 p.m. (half feed)
6.15 p.m. (other half)
10.45 (dream feed)
2 / 3 / 4 a.m. (Auguie’s choice)
You think that’s deprived? Hmm, me neither.