The sleep train? Well that sounds like fun. But trust me, it’s no fun. We’re currently riding it down to hell and back (or wherever the sleep train travels).

Our journey began at 6.45 this evening. August had been fed, washed, creamed, brushed, deposited into his sleep sack, and placed squarely into his cot. Mummy delivered a previously agreed-upon set phrase — “Good night August. Sweet dreams. See you when it’s time” — and she walked out of the room closing the door firmly behind her.

Forty-five minutes later there was debris on the track, so to speak, in the form of “Cough, cough, splutter, squeak, wail, waaaaaaaaaah!”

Under normal circumstances, Mummy or Daddy would have rushed to August’s rescue, dashing into the nursery to deliver cuddles, hugs and dibby dops (still more on those later). But not this night.

It was Daddy’s turn: He opened the nursery door, walked in, placed his hand on August’s chest, delivered the agreed-upon line, turned on his heel and walked out closing the door behind him.

The squealing continued. And continued. The pitches rose and fell. The lights on the monitor were on fire with screeches.

We turned on the TV, opened a bottle of wine. Daddy called his parents for moral support. Mummy made a slick escape to pick up a pizza. And while she was dawdling at the pizza parlor, her phone rang: August had cried himself to sleep, Daddy reported.

Already? And the pizza wasn’t even done yet.

So here we are, having completed stage one of the sleep journey, but the night is long with ample opportunity for August to shake himself awake. If he does, we’ll march in to the nursery, deliver the line and march out, loaded with purpose. Then, we’ll hole up in the bedroom with happy thoughts and good books and a slab of chocolate and try not to cry ourselves.

What’s the reward at the end of this journey, you ask? After two or three days, we’ll have a perfectly delightful, sleep-trained child who settles for naps and goes down peacefully at bedtime. At least, that’s what the experts say.

The jury’s still out on whether it will work with August.

Tags: Sleeping